My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
no refunds
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*