I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.