Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The best plant holders?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*