I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”