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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017