Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Haha good job!!