When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*mops up wine with cat*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”