“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
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Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
😂😂
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Childbirth is so beautiful
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?