I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.