Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly