Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I love wikipedia
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
How animals would run if they were human
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED