MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.