The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
my mom making me talk to relatives
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
my nickname in college
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart