That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up