Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes