My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
They also CAN sing✌️
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang