People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
You Might Also Like
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Has there ever been a more American story?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I like crazy people until they notice me
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan