My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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brian had himself a morning…
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.