The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Remember folks 😂
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.