I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I don’t get marriage
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]