if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.