DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
for all #parents out there
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*