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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes