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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
dogs can find happiness so easily
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”