*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first