Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
How wrong was this guy?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
lol
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”