I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.