Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles