“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
White parent Vs Arab parents
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
*me flirting
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture