My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.