*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Stop being racist to kettles.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Inside you there are two wolves
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.