the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
You Might Also Like
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.