My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.