barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will