Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Monday?
No. Next question.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.