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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke