Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
This could be us but you eatin’
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.