George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
WHY would you be happy about this?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.