[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
No way!
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa