Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.