Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.