Am I having a stroke?
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Easy enough.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
when someone rings the doorbell
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner