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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
#DesignFail
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*