Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.