This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.