Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
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[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Realize this:
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Fiction has to make sense.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*pronounces woah like Noah*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.