Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”