Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Try and stop me.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there