He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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*limbos away from your hug*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*