doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.